no more breastfeeding

The pumping is over I guess. *sighs* The other night both Lucas and
Matilda had a very stressful night because the peditrician wanted to
cut back their mylecon dosing. I went over 12 hours without pumping
and never had engorgement or pain and when I pumped I got about three
drops. If I could be aggressive I think I could at least get back to
where I was last week getting one ounce a day, but it seems to
pointless. In spite of having more time for the babies and knowing the
neosure is a good formula I feel the heaviest guilt. I don't even
understand it, but its there. I do feel like we tried. I just think I
would of tried HARDER had there been in fruits to my efforts. My MIL
was here this week and after I pumped for twenty minutes she saw what
I carried into the kitchen and said "Oh Lizzie, you worked twenty
minutes for THAT?" She wasn't being cruel either- she wasn't able to
breast feed any of her children. Being mexican, she had a lot of
pressure to do so and tried with all three of her daughters to nurse.

I am trying to switch the twins to a four hour schedule. They haven't
been waking up for there three hour feedings, so we decided to see if
they could do well on four hours. We will track what they consume and
make sure they make up for the two extra bottles they will lose on a
four hour feeding schedule.

We still haven't made "contact". They seem to look through us. Ha!
However, both are starting to be more responsive to us. When we pick
them up to eat, they stop crying if they had been. They anticipate
their bottles and get excited. They are very alert and also lift their
little heads now. Cute! Matilda gets so excited when we burp her that
she tries to chomp on her burping cloth while waiting for the bottle.
Lucas entertains as always with his cute expressions.

Hard!

I feel bad about the breastfeeding- its not working out well at all.

And whats BAD is that we have help. My MIL has been coming up every
other day for the 11 and 2 feeding. But, I don't trust her to feed
Lucas. Lucas is a very sluggish eater and probably needed to stay a
day or two longer on his tube, but, the hospital really wanted to send
them home together and said they felt Duane and I had the skills to
get Lucas fed. Well, we DO. Because we stay on top of him- twirling
his bottle, pulling it back and forth reminding him to suck, blowing
in his face, getting him cold, binding his arms when he becomes
"disorganised" etc. So, when we have guests- like right now when my
sister is here- the only way I feel like I can get rest is if Duane is
home. Then I know he will feed Lucas. Lucas also has mild reflux, but
Matilda does, too.

Last night I started zoning out watching t.v. and Duane says "Please
go nap, you look awful and you are zoning out". I laid down at 10:30
and didn't get up until after 2. I told Duane "I didn't pump! I didn't
pump!" then, I went to get my stuff to pump for after I fed the twins,
and he says Matilda has colic. I ended up taking her and bringing her
in the living room and rocking her until 4:30 when I discovered that
her bouncing seat seemed to sooth her on vibrate. I put it in one side
of the twin pack and play and went to sleep. I forgot to pump!

My supply is so low that I don't feel any heaviness or pain in my
breasts in between pump sessions, so, there isn't a physical reminder
that I need to go do it.

Duane took on the 5 30 feeding to let me rest up after the extended 2
a.m. one as it only ended at 4:45. Matilda is upset again, and now
Lucas is, too. I asked Duane if he had changed Lucas and he said he
had. After holding him and seeing how uncomfortable he was for 45
minutes, I decided to check his diaper and he had made a big poopie
and thats why he was upset. I counted diapers and realized Duane
hadn't changed him! I asked him about this, and he said "Oh. I thought
it was Matilda whose diaper I not changed (I told him to skip hers if
it was only wet as it seemed to further agitate her when she needed to
eat and sleep)". But, in his own drowsiness, he had changed Matilda
instead of Lucas (why shes screaming again!).

So now its 12 hours since I last pumped and also time for me to eat
since its been 14 since I did that.

And my milk is drying up. :-(

Anyhow, there isn't a way for me to not feel bad about this, because I
honestly feel like its a scheduling issue and I don't know how to
resolve it. I need to stay fresh for them, and I do need to eat and
drink, and I have to be the one to feed Lucas if Duane isn't here.
But, the BF milk is so good for them. The only thing I can console
myself with is that its neosure- not BF- thats been shown to help
preemies overcome any problems associated with premature birth-
neosure preemies are taller, heavier, etc, than other preemies.

So, I am going to eat and pump again. *sighs*

BTW, Lucas is the sweetest baby EVER. I wanted a girl so very bad, but
can honestly say that I am totally in love with my little man. He is
the cutest most patient baby, and ever so sweet. I just smooch him all
day long!

Homecoming

Lucas and Matilda came home today.

I feel a bit frazzled, but my MIL was here tonight to watch them while
we went and picked up a few last minute items from Walmart, and shes
coming back tomorrow.

They are currently sleeping in their twin pack and play in our bedroom!

I'm a mother!

First, I had a complete reprieve from all my pregnancy complaints
starting last Tuesday evening. I woke up Wednesday non-itchy, no ankle
pain, could breathe, my bladder felt great, and had an urge to clean
house and pack my suitcase. I cooked dinner and told Duane that if the
next few weeks felt like this, I would be great!

I felt the same way Thursday, and that evening told Duane I was
worried I was going into labor, that I felt like I was "nesting".

That night I awoke from a dream where I was in labor. I woke up and my
lower back hurt, so I went to pee, and when I came back it still hurt.
I changed positions and it kept hurting. I sat up and it hurt. I
checked my uterus and noticed it was tightening when I felt the pain.

I called the RN on call and they called the OB and called and said for
me to head over to Piedmont. It was 3 a.m. and I had only climbed into
bed to sleep at 12:30! I woke up Duane and apologised to him for going
in for a "False alarm" but told him it was best that we be responsible.

At Piedmont I walked up to the second floor, walked to the room, sat
down and told the nurse to check me so I could go home. Well, on the
monitor I was having contractions every two minutes! And, I was
effaced and dilated 1 cm. Based on having had my cervix monitored only
three days before and having the measurments etc, they told me I would
be having the babies THAT DAY. I told them I was NOT, I was going home!

I wanted them to let me just keep going, but, because of the boys last
u/s, they felt that I might pose him risks if we waited around to see
if the contractions stopped. Like, when we first arrived and my
contractions had been harder, his heart rate had dropped for a minute.
So, we called the peri and his recommendation was to proceed with the
c-section that morning.

I can't tell you how shocked and upset I was. I kept asking what I
had done wrong. The fact is the boy had been engaged for over three
weeks and my cervix had been rapidly changing...

The c-section was done with a spinal *and* epidurel. The spinal for
the procedure, then they add the eidurel medicine and allow you to
stay numb for 24 hours.

Lucas Cristiano was born at 11:32 weighing in at 4 pounds 12 ounces
and apgar scores of 8 and 9.

Matilda Bronwyn was born at 11:33 weighing in at 4 pounds 14 ounces
and apgar scores of 9 and 9.

Duane WATCHED the entire thing. He is so funny! He loved watching the
surgery. Grossed me out!

Lucas was in NICU for 6 hours while they watched him breathe as he was
born grunting, but after 6 hours he went to "step down" with Matilda.
They have been there all week. :-( They had to see them take in ALL
their meal within 30 minutes for 8 meals in a row and both of them
keep missing ONE meal every day! So, while they aren't in NICU, they
are still in the hospital in what you might call "transitional" nursery,
or "step down", or "intermediate" nursery. Its been so lonely not
having them home, but they have to eat!

Whats really hard is everyone keeps congratulating me on carrying my
twins for 35 weeks and 2 days, and I feel like I failed them. I
thought I would make it to 38 weeks.

Lucas looks just like Duane right now, and Matilda doesn't look like
anyone I know, but she sure is gorgeous! Lucas has the sweetest little
face and is so patient and gentle. Matilda has a bad temper and
furrows up her brow anytime she doesn't get her way! They are snuggled
up in the same crib and love to be right beside one another.

Here are some pictures, too.





About my recovery- right after my c-section they wanted me to see my
abdomen. Did any of you have this??? Have you ever seen or owned a
sweater that you wore so often that it had "breasts" in it when you
weren't wearing it? Because the sweater was so snug on you? Well, my
stomach had that! After birth I had indentions on each side in the
shape of the babies! I said "whats wrong with my stomach?!?!?!" And
they told me it was the impressions of the babies but that it would go
away.

Because of being on heparin, I can't take motrin and they put me on
percocet. I went off of it three days later and since 4 days post op
haven't taken anything for pain. WHY? Because the percocet made my
ankles swell to the size of my calves, constipated me so bad that I
required two ducolzx suppositores and an enema within 15 hours, and
made my stomach bloat up to 8 months pregnant again! Taking zero pain
killer is better than that one!

My waist is down 9 inches since wearing an abdominal binder. MAN do I
recomend this! They used to be standard with c-sections. My OB said I
didn't need it, they were for obese patients. Well, I couldn't get
myself out of bed. I tried an ace bandage around my stomach and
instantly had support, and Duane bought me the belt. As soon as I put
it on, all my pain went away, and my waist is down to a 29 one week
post op. Its the belt! It feels so snug and cozy and it stops all the
"jiggle" feeling after birth. I LOVE it.

I am a breast feeding flunkie. NO, I didn't get engorged after
childbirth like everyone said I would. Apparently not experiencing
breast changes during pregnancy is a risk factor for not coming into
milk. I have seen three lactation consultants and with their help I
get one ounce from 8 pumping sessions. ONE ounce total. :-( We are
going to try fenugreek over the weekend and if it doesn't increase my
supply we are going to get the reglan Monday (I hope) from my OB. The
consultants all say my form is right, and I should have milk... I am very disappointed because after being indifferent to breastfeeding, after seeing and holding my babies I have wanted to give them breastmilk sooooo bad. They mix my teesny one ounce in with their evening bottles. One ounce! Ack! I met other
risk factors for not getting milk as well- not experiencing breast
changes during puberty (It was a year later before I started to get
breasts), carrying preemies.

I LOVE my babies. Never ever did I think I possessed such love to
give. I keep looking at them and saying "I made that!". It is so
shocking and surprising to me to marvel at these little people who are
apart of Duane and I. They smell so good and they feel so warm and
they are the cutest things ever. EVERYONE should be a parent. I can't
wait for Wendy to get her baby. I thought of her almost instantly, and
started wishing she would get news of a match soon. I want every woman
to feel the way I do.

OK, I am going to check out bellypics, then go pump.

Lucas and Matilda~ one week old today!

34w 6days peri report

As usual I became distracted by something on the u/s and forgot to ask
relevant questions like "Whats this rash?" The rash was gone by today,
but my abdomen is still bright red. And itchy! The best thing I can do
is just not touch it.

The benedryl I took last night made the twins very sleepy, and they
were the least responsive that they have been on an u/s. Usually they
kick and punch the wand and they chase them with it trying to capture
images. Today they just wanted to sleep. Poor groggy babies!

What came up was my cervical length. It was 3.75 three weeks ago. 2.5
last week, and 1.5 today. Its pudding soft but closed. I asked for
them to measure it as just as Andi pointed out its not routinely
monitored this late in pregnancy. I asked because of the intensity he
has been hitting my cervix with- I felt like it had to be shorter and
wanted to see what it "meant".

The doctor gave me the best analogy of cervical changes and I now
understand something that I hadn't before. He put both his hands
together in a prayer position and pointed themj toward me- his middle
fingers directly pointing across toward me. He said "This is a closed
long cervix". Then, from the palms, he began to open his hands, but
allowed the fingers to touch. He said "This is the cervix shortening
in preperation for labor". Eventually he had opened his hands all the
way out like wings, but the middle fingers still touched. He said
"This is 100% effaced and at this point all your cervix can do is
this.." At which point he pulled the hands apart which meant the
middle fingers no longer touched. I wish I could show you this, it was
a perfect metaphor and when he did it Duane and I both had an "A-ha"
moment.

I am on strict bedrest now. The peri (who I really like) said that the
babies would be fine, but he would like to keep the boy inside a bit
longer since his abdomen is tiny. The boy is looking at NICU stays,
shes not unless she has breathing issues. However, at the same time, I
could not have any issues arise- which has been my history as you all
know. Infact, when he delivered this information and said "You might
get by with one more week" I was unphased. He just wanted to be
proactive since my cervix is changing a bit quickly because some
little fella likes to head butt my cervix all hours of the day. I
don't think bedrest will help this. I haven't been all that active,
and the pool felt like it alleviated pressure on my uterus and cervix,
not created it.

Also, shes trying to engage as well. He is in my pelvis, shes just
ever so slightly above it since I guess both heads can't fit down.

In other words, both babies are ready to GO.

34w 6d b/g twins

8 week ultrasound

I have fortunate to have a local obgyn who humors me with weekly u/s!

I am 7w 6d today.

Twin A measured 8w 1d with a heartbeat of 140-150.
Twin B measured 8w 0d with a heartbeat of 141.

I got to *HEAR* their little hearts beating. I cried! Its REAL!

Morning sickness

OK, I must be a total FOOL, but I am now wondering if
my "hypoglycemia" is garden variety morning sickness. Heres the
scoop:

I wake up feeling very shakey and overwhelmingly hungry- usually
hunger pains are what wakes me. Eating makes me feel sick to my
stomach, but, if I eat very slowly and take breaks, I can do it.
Afterwards, I feel really crappy for about 15 minutes and I lay back
during this time. I feel shakey and weak. Then I start to feel a
little better.

During the day I get a bad "metal mouth" which makes me feel sick to
my stomach between meals- I can't drink it away, water makes me fele
even more nausea. If I suck on hard candy it goes away, and is
immediately followed by excruiating hunger again... if I graze all
day, its better than eating meals, and by dinner it has all subsided
and I feel full all evening. But, it comes back with a vengeance in
the morning.

On my desk right now there is a bag of saltines, a bag of popcorn, a
bag of trailmix, a jar of peanut butter, two tangerines, a bag of
beef jerky... oh- and a little thing of yogurt!

I am so uncomfortable that I started crying on the way to work
(again). I feel the most uncomfortable, shakey etc in the a.m.- but,
I don't feel like I will vomit. My stomach doesn't cramp... its just
a low grade nausea, shakiness feeling and a bad taste in my mouth
(and food tasting crappy at first). And makes me belch. Ugh!
Yesterday when all of this was at its worst I went to yawn and let
out the ickiest man belch ever in my office. I was mortified that
someone heard me!

I assumed this was hypoglycemia as thats how it feels too, but, upon
researching I am not so sure!

Sorry for being such a dullard about this!