Hard!

I feel bad about the breastfeeding- its not working out well at all.

And whats BAD is that we have help. My MIL has been coming up every
other day for the 11 and 2 feeding. But, I don't trust her to feed
Lucas. Lucas is a very sluggish eater and probably needed to stay a
day or two longer on his tube, but, the hospital really wanted to send
them home together and said they felt Duane and I had the skills to
get Lucas fed. Well, we DO. Because we stay on top of him- twirling
his bottle, pulling it back and forth reminding him to suck, blowing
in his face, getting him cold, binding his arms when he becomes
"disorganised" etc. So, when we have guests- like right now when my
sister is here- the only way I feel like I can get rest is if Duane is
home. Then I know he will feed Lucas. Lucas also has mild reflux, but
Matilda does, too.

Last night I started zoning out watching t.v. and Duane says "Please
go nap, you look awful and you are zoning out". I laid down at 10:30
and didn't get up until after 2. I told Duane "I didn't pump! I didn't
pump!" then, I went to get my stuff to pump for after I fed the twins,
and he says Matilda has colic. I ended up taking her and bringing her
in the living room and rocking her until 4:30 when I discovered that
her bouncing seat seemed to sooth her on vibrate. I put it in one side
of the twin pack and play and went to sleep. I forgot to pump!

My supply is so low that I don't feel any heaviness or pain in my
breasts in between pump sessions, so, there isn't a physical reminder
that I need to go do it.

Duane took on the 5 30 feeding to let me rest up after the extended 2
a.m. one as it only ended at 4:45. Matilda is upset again, and now
Lucas is, too. I asked Duane if he had changed Lucas and he said he
had. After holding him and seeing how uncomfortable he was for 45
minutes, I decided to check his diaper and he had made a big poopie
and thats why he was upset. I counted diapers and realized Duane
hadn't changed him! I asked him about this, and he said "Oh. I thought
it was Matilda whose diaper I not changed (I told him to skip hers if
it was only wet as it seemed to further agitate her when she needed to
eat and sleep)". But, in his own drowsiness, he had changed Matilda
instead of Lucas (why shes screaming again!).

So now its 12 hours since I last pumped and also time for me to eat
since its been 14 since I did that.

And my milk is drying up. :-(

Anyhow, there isn't a way for me to not feel bad about this, because I
honestly feel like its a scheduling issue and I don't know how to
resolve it. I need to stay fresh for them, and I do need to eat and
drink, and I have to be the one to feed Lucas if Duane isn't here.
But, the BF milk is so good for them. The only thing I can console
myself with is that its neosure- not BF- thats been shown to help
preemies overcome any problems associated with premature birth-
neosure preemies are taller, heavier, etc, than other preemies.

So, I am going to eat and pump again. *sighs*

BTW, Lucas is the sweetest baby EVER. I wanted a girl so very bad, but
can honestly say that I am totally in love with my little man. He is
the cutest most patient baby, and ever so sweet. I just smooch him all
day long!